Limbo

This week I’ve been feeling kinda strange. So for one I am sick again. No one likes being sick but I have been sick so many times this winter. I think I am on sickness number 5 since mid November or so. And then there is the weird limbo I find my emotions in. I am acutely aware that I am soon to see my handsome solider for the first time in over 6 months. We hit the six month mark on January 24th. I see the day coming, but I am almost waiting for Chris to call me once again and tell me its been cancelled or the date has been changed. It feels so close but at the same time so far away. In ways I wonder how I got here. How did I get to the sixth month point, it feels like such a long time but then again it doesn’t.

For the time being I have finally come to except that Chris has distanced himself. I don’t know why other than for his own coping mechanism. I really can’t make him want to stay connected to me or his family. Maybe God is allowing me to feel ok about it for now so that I can mentally and emotionally get through these next few weeks. I wonder if others feel the way I do right now? Are they wanting to be really upset with their deployed loved one but not having the energy it takes to let their emotions sit at a boil waiting until their loved one decides to make contact once again. I wrote a very sincere letter to my husband last month about him needing to try and make more of an effort to stay connected, he never responded or wrote back acknowledging my hurt feelings. I think for me effort is everything, I try to keep us connected but when you feel unappreciated  it can be hard to even try. In the beginning of this deployment I really put a hundred percent into trying to help Chris feel like he was cared about and missed but when you don’t get any appreciation or a simple thanks unless prompted it all feels kinda for not. I still write him but not as often. I try not to think about it much any more cause I just get angry and it doesn’t do any good. Being angry at a person who is not really here in mind or spirit doesn’t get me any where. I am determined to get through this but I can’t focus on it right now for my own sanity.

In my marriage I definitely feel like I am married to two people, the solider Chris and the husband Chris.   I need the husband Chris but what I have right now courtesy of this year long deployment is the solider Chris. Completely mission minded and completely void of marriage anything. I will be completely honest I think we are headed to see a marriage counselor when he gets home. If he wants to stay in the Army which he has indicated to me he does then he and I need to learn to communicate from a distance. I think I communicate quite well but the street goes two ways and right now we are on a one way street. It has not gone to a two way street very often and on the rare occasions we talk on the tough subjects, we seem to both hit very large pot holes.  He can’t deal with my emotions and I can’t get him to really talk about his feelings. There is a total disconnect, and right now I can do nothing about it but pray. God sees my heart and knows my hurt and so I lean on Him.

So a while back I wrote briefly about my conflict with our friends M and S. My conflict is with M not really S, but since the two are married it is essentially both.  S is Chris’ best friend and M was once a very close friend of mine. Since our conflict we have not spoken, not for my lack of trying but for her lack of even being open to talk to me. She has completely cut me out of her life. So I get it and have excepted it for what it is. With that said though I got a text message after months of silence asking and I quote “S wants to know when Chris is coming?”. What the heck, she doesn’t utter a word to me in months and then she asks when my husband is coming home. I have chosen to not respond. Maybe some would say I am being immature by saying nothing, but I am wanting to stay away from any drama. If S does truly want to know when Chris is coming home he can ask. He needs to grow a back bone, but that’s a whole other topic. I wrote Chris a email saying that M contacted me and that if he would like to tell his best friend when he is coming home he can do that because I am not going to be the middle man. I am done with the drama and really have no want or energy to put into a nonexistent friendship!

Any way so that is that and now I’m off to bed with my humidifier to hopefully feel better tomorrow!

One of my favorites out in front of the Paris hotel in Vegas

We Have A Date!

So I just talked with my hubby on the phone and we have a date, a set date (or so he says)! In about a month I will be in my husband’s warm, sweet embrace once again at least for a little while. I am getting so excited even thinking about it.

So this next week I’ll try and make some reservations for places to stay on our trip down the Oregon coast. Chris said to me why do we have to plan it, can’t we just be spontaneous. My response you might not know me as well as you think you do (I am a planner even if its not the little details). I like to see the big picture in my head , a loose plan at the very least, it can change but I still need a plan. Besides I said its kinda hard to be spontaneous when you have a dog traveling with you. My parents can’t watch her for a week, my mom found out not to long ago that she’s allergic to Daisy’s dog dander. Oh I cannot wait until he is home. Its going to be so much fun, even though part of me is not looking forward to our serious conversations of re-enlistment and my holding off on wanting a family. I have my reasons which stem off his attitude towards this deployment and re-enlistment. These conversations are going to be hard.

Lord, help me not to worry about the things that are to come. Help me to focus on your truths and love. Let the time I have with Chris be full of peace and love. I know you will be there with us even through the tough stuff, you are bigger than my worries and my fears. You are my strength and my comforter when I cannot see an easy way through the next step in my marriage or our future together. Please give me your peace that surpasses my understanding of what is happening. Your scripture says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord,” As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaish 55:10.  Your word rings clear and true and your will be done in our lives. In Jesus’ name AMEN

A Table For One

Food is something I probably indulge in too much, but its so darn good!!! This last week I haven’t been able to eat much though because I’ve had an awful stomach virus. It was bad. I started vomiting at 3 am Thursday morning. I ended up calling into work again for the fourth time in oh about 2 and a half months. This is so not like me. I think stress is culprit but what am I to do. Any way the point being I went out with my college girlfriends on Saturday to my favorite restaurant in Seattle but could not eat but 5 bites of my favorite dish. I was disappointed and bummed. I still had fun that night.

This evening I finally had a good appetite again. I decided even though I had no one to have dinner with I was going to go out by myself. I don’t do this often, but since my husband deployed I sometimes do not want fast food any more and will go out to a nice restaurants by myself. I cook for myself on a regular basis but who wants to do that all the time. So tonight I headed to one of my favorite little mom and pop Italian restaurants in my town. I don’t like sitting at a table but sat at the bar with a book in hand. Its a little weird to sit at a table by yourself and wondering if people think you’ve been stood up or are just pathetic. Thankfully the restaurant was pretty quite and I did not feel as if I was being pitied or stared at. I did enjoy my food though. I had a glass of red wine, some soup and avocado and French goat cheese bruschetta. It was so good. Oh and for dessert I had a mocha.

Before my husband deployed there was a lot of things I had never done before. I had never lived alone, paid all the bills, or eaten at a restaurant alone. Its not something I wanted to do or had to do for that fact. I don’t necessarily enjoy living alone or going out alone but if we stay in the Army its something I will have to get used to. I used to think I was pretty independent but this deployment has shown me that I am needing to depend on God to get through this crummy thing called deployment.

Hopefully I will hear from my solider soon to tell me we have a date for R&R. I desperately need something to look forward to.  Oh hurry up and get here please!

So it happened!

Things are going ok. I finally got to talk with my husband about a week ago.  That was the first time I had talk to him on the phone since early December. I guess he ran out of cell minutes and they didn’t go back to the main FOB last month to resupply. I try really hard not to nag at him on the phone for stuff that happens. It gets me no where, and he will not really be hearing me out.

So it happened though, he forgot my birthday. I mean completely forgot, even though I had reminded him last week. I do not expect him to send me a card or a present, just acknowledge that it is a special day in my life, a quick call or even an email wishing his wife a Happy Birthday sometime during that week would be great. I sat on my hurt and general upset for several days before I broke down and emailed him. I was not mean, but I did explain that his forgetfulness really hurt my feelings. And more so in order for us to stay connected he has to communicate with me. I write him letters and emails regularly. I can do these things until I am blue in the face, but I cannot do his part in keeping us somewhat connected unless he communicates with me as well. Once every week would be nice. I realize he could be very busy, but just a quick email or a phone call even at 4 am my time would be fine. I just know I will not go another deployment like this. I feel as if he just expects our relationship to be put on pause while we are apart. It doesn’t work like that. I need to feel appreciated and loved and the only way that is going to happen is if he tells me.

I have been reading my bible a lot lately trying to stay grounded. Inside sometimes I feel as if I am being needy and selfish, but I really have not put demands on him. Do not get me wrong, I know he loves me. I know this is hard for both of us, but I am just flying by the seat of my pants trying to figure this whole military life/marriage stuff out. I knew marriage would be a big challenge, but the Army gives the word challenge a whole new meaning. It is not easy and so not fun, but I have to have hope that its going to get better, otherwise why the heck do I even try.

Still waiting until the end of this month to hear about his R&R, I just have this feeling that he will not be coming home until March. Which is fine, that means really I will only have about  4 and a half more months until he is home for good for a while. I am hoping this deployment will be all said and done by the end of July. I realize it could be August though. I am still really anxious about our decision on whether or not to re-enlist. It is such a big one and it really does not sit well with me. Please Lord, give us both reassurance and peace about making this decision. I so need to feel at peace, at this point my feelings are nothing but resentment for this big ugly machine called the Army.

Changes in the Plans

So this deployment stuff is going a little better this week. I finally got to talk to my dear husband a couple of days ago. Then the most wonderful thing happened. Chris got his web cam to work and we’ve been able to talk on the web cam a couple of times. It is absolutely wonderful to be able to talk to him and see his handsome face. I would have cried but I was smiling so big that my tears stayed in check. I saw his handsome face once again and I remembered why I fell in love with this wonderful man.

So we got some disappointing news. Chris thinks his R&R is being pushed out by two weeks. On my birthday it would have been only a month until I would get to see my honey. But it is not to be and I understand, but now we have to wait until the  25th to get any date finalized. My job is aware that the dates may change. Oh and I find out all this after I put in for my leave. So I think I’ll wait until after the 25th to change anything again.

Plans have changed again as far as our short little vacation. Since now Chris is basically not going to be here until March, going to Leavenworth (the little German like village) is out. We think we’ll go down to Oregon to see his family and then we’ll head back up the coast slowly. Chris wants to stop in Florence for the day, and then I think we’ll stay in Lincoln city, and then maybe Cannon Beach for a couple nights. I love the Oregon coast, but we’ll see how I like it in the winter. Daisy never been to the beach so we’ll have to see how she likes it. But I know she’ll love it, running up and down the beach seems just like something she would love. I am so looking forward to just spending time with him once again. Sleeping in the same bed for a couple of weeks is going to be wonderful. Sharing the bed with the dog is ok but I always end up with hair in mouth some how.  :)

So this week has been much better than the last few.