Saying Goodbye is Never Easy
In my last post I mentioned the passing of my maternal grandma. Her name to me was grandma Josie. I loved her very much. As a young child I spent many a summer at her house. In high school I would come visit almost every afternoon after school having our afternoon tea. With this said my grandma was not an easy woman to get along with. As I grew older I started to understand my grandma was different from a lot of other grandmas. She was German by birth and did not come to the US till she was probably over 30. She lived through WWII in Nazi Germany as a teenager and young adult. This fact alone profoundly affected my grandma. She would talk about parts of the war but other parts so painful and horrific in memory she rarely spoke of them. Her early life fascinated me. She was something else. My grandma has been gone since February but I find myself wanting to call her and tell her about something going on in my life. I miss my grandma and how our relationship was several years ago before her health started to go down drastically. I grieved for my grandma long before her death however. My grandma started losing her sort term memory a few years before her death. She was having mini strokes that were robbing her of her memory and later her independence. It was hard to watch her slowly decline.
The day she had the massive stroke that would end her life, I had a premonition. I had the overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. I cried out to God, but I knew something was wrong. As I was leaving work a little early that evening I got the chance to finally look at my cell phone. My mom had left me a message and a text. She texted “call me as soon as you can, its grandma.” I call as I am walking back into work asking for the day off the next day! My grandmother had a massive stroke that left her barely concious, unable to talk, swallow, or move the left side of her body. She received a clot buster medication but it did little to help her regain in real function. I did not go to the hospital that night but CJ and I went to see her in the morning. I remember walking in the room and her eyes barely opening. I walked up to her and kissed her cheek whispering ” I love you Grammy.” Being a nurse I looked up to the wall and saw the NPO sign, meaning nothing by mouth. it was at that moment I knew it was the beginning of the end of my grandma’s life on earth. CJ sat by her side and held her hand as I walked away so grandma would not see me my tears.
As a family we knew that grandma did not want to be artificially kept alive. We made the decision to place her on hospice and get her back to the adult family home we came from. I went over to her care facility almost everyday and talked to her, read to her, and pleading God to please take her quickly. It is so very hard to watch a loved one slip away. Each passing day grandma getting weaker and weaker, looking for signs that the end was drawing near. Eleven days later she finally passed. My family or I was not there. I emotionally could not handle watching my grandma struggle for each breath. My mom shooed us grandkids away. She left around 3 am and got the call to come back about 7 am but by the time she drove the 10 minutes from her house to the care facility she had passed. She called me and my sister and I was so very relieved that her struggle was over.
A week later we laid my grandma to rest next to my grandfather. I still have not been able to go back to her grave even though I think of her almost everyday on my way home as I drive past the cemetery that borders the freeway I drive. I miss her so much and my heart aches thinking of what I have lost in her death. My one and only blood related grandma that loved me and was so proud of all that I had accomplished. Oh grandma I miss you more that words can ever express!
Green Eyed Girl
