When Tough Gets Tougher

So there are more than a few reasons I haven’t posted recently. I am almost 2 months into CJ’s second deployment. This being our second deployment as a married couple and CJ’s first to Afghanistan.  All I can truly be sure of is God is good.

With out going into too much detail (much of it is too personal to post about) last year was a very very hard year. I would like to say CJ’s first deployment was harder but that would not be honest depiction of 2011 and all its awful glory. To name a few things my only living grandmother pasted away, CJ got demoted, them my grandfather died in May. Then the past caught up with my dear husband  in the fall. A women came back into CJ life wanting to see if her 3 1/2 year old son was his. This whole relationship happened not too long before we met, to make matters worse she was in acommitted relationship with someone other than CJ, she obviously thought it was her significant other’s. Until I had those paternity results in my little hand it was not a pretty picture in our house hold. One day I screamed at CJ “When is your past going to quit biting me in the ass?” Not one of my proudest moments in our marriage but a very true declaration of how I was feeling at the time. It turned out not to be CJ’s son, but it very well could have and well I choose not to let my mind wander down that path. I wish this was all the bad stuff, however it’s not.

Four days before CJ was to get on the plane for Afghanistan, my marriage took a huge left turn and blew up in my face.  I did not see it coming, it came out of left field. When it came into view I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and watching it happen, almost like an out of body experience. I wish I could say things are better now but that would be a lie. I still dearly love my husband and will give everything I have before I throw in the towel on our marriage but it has not been an easy couple of months. We are going to try to work it out and CJ has agreed to seek marriage counseling when he gets home, but that is almost a year from now. Mean while I am probably going to seek counseling, to try to work through all my thoughts and feeling. To make matters worse or maybe better, I am not sure which yet; I have not heard from CJ since the Thursday before Christmas. He’s deployed to a very desolate part of Afghanistan. I was warned in a pre-deployment briefing that phone and internet would be a luxury not a privilege everyone got. This time of communication silence has been hard but also given lots of time to pray and sort out all that has happened. Most days I try not to dwell on it but even that is hard. Work has been good for me but God has been my source of comfort and peace.

Through this rough season of my life God has been my biggest source of comfort. I have sought Him out and He has been by my side every step of the way. Worrying and being fearful has not plagued me this deployment. God has just really calmed my spirit and quietly whispers loving words of encouragement to my soul, and I am so thankful to my God, my Savior. I have been learning a lot about God lately and his character. I do not understand why this all happened to me and my marriage or why God allowed this to happen, but I am praying God has a plan to help CJ and I rebuild a new marriage. I recently wrote CJ a letter basically saying, we’ve tried this whole marriage thing our way and it’s not working so well in my opinion. Now its time to try it God’s way. I am not even sure how or where to begin but God does and I am whole heartily putting my trust in the creator of this thing called marriage. God has a plan and I am patiently praying and waiting for Him to show me where to begin. Have your way in me Lord, I am all yours.

~ by Green Eyed Girl on January 30, 2012.