Limbo

This week I’ve been feeling kinda strange. So for one I am sick again. 😦 No one likes being sick but I have been sick so many times this winter. I think I am on sickness number 5 since mid November or so. And then there is the weird limbo I find my emotions in. I am acutely aware that I am soon to see my handsome solider for the first time in over 6 months. We hit the six month mark on January 24th. I see the day coming, but I am almost waiting for Chris to call me once again and tell me its been cancelled or the date has been changed. It feels so close but at the same time so far away. In ways I wonder how I got here. How did I get to the sixth month point, it feels like such a long time but then again it doesn’t.

For the time being I have finally come to except that Chris has distanced himself. I don’t know why other than for his own coping mechanism. I really can’t make him want to stay connected to me or his family. Maybe God is allowing me to feel ok about it for now so that I can mentally and emotionally get through these next few weeks. I wonder if others feel the way I do right now? Are they wanting to be really upset with their deployed loved one but not having the energy it takes to let their emotions sit at a boil waiting until their loved one decides to make contact once again. I wrote a very sincere letter to my husband last month about him needing to try and make more of an effort to stay connected, he never responded or wrote back acknowledging my hurt feelings. I think for me effort is everything, I try to keep us connected but when you feel unappreciated  it can be hard to even try. In the beginning of this deployment I really put a hundred percent into trying to help Chris feel like he was cared about and missed but when you don’t get any appreciation or a simple thanks unless prompted it all feels kinda for not. I still write him but not as often. I try not to think about it much any more cause I just get angry and it doesn’t do any good. Being angry at a person who is not really here in mind or spirit doesn’t get me any where. I am determined to get through this but I can’t focus on it right now for my own sanity.

In my marriage I definitely feel like I am married to two people, the solider Chris and the husband Chris.   I need the husband Chris but what I have right now courtesy of this year long deployment is the solider Chris. Completely mission minded and completely void of marriage anything. I will be completely honest I think we are headed to see a marriage counselor when he gets home. If he wants to stay in the Army which he has indicated to me he does then he and I need to learn to communicate from a distance. I think I communicate quite well but the street goes two ways and right now we are on a one way street. It has not gone to a two way street very often and on the rare occasions we talk on the tough subjects, we seem to both hit very large pot holes.  He can’t deal with my emotions and I can’t get him to really talk about his feelings. There is a total disconnect, and right now I can do nothing about it but pray. God sees my heart and knows my hurt and so I lean on Him.

So a while back I wrote briefly about my conflict with our friends M and S. My conflict is with M not really S, but since the two are married it is essentially both.  S is Chris’ best friend and M was once a very close friend of mine. Since our conflict we have not spoken, not for my lack of trying but for her lack of even being open to talk to me. She has completely cut me out of her life. So I get it and have excepted it for what it is. With that said though I got a text message after months of silence asking and I quote “S wants to know when Chris is coming?”. What the heck, she doesn’t utter a word to me in months and then she asks when my husband is coming home. I have chosen to not respond. Maybe some would say I am being immature by saying nothing, but I am wanting to stay away from any drama. If S does truly want to know when Chris is coming home he can ask. He needs to grow a back bone, but that’s a whole other topic. I wrote Chris a email saying that M contacted me and that if he would like to tell his best friend when he is coming home he can do that because I am not going to be the middle man. I am done with the drama and really have no want or energy to put into a nonexistent friendship!

Any way so that is that and now I’m off to bed with my humidifier to hopefully feel better tomorrow!

One of my favorites out in front of the Paris hotel in Vegas

~ by Green Eyed Girl on February 6, 2010.